yep, its back to the drawing board for me. i thought i was over my self defeatance, thought i'd won the battle, but it turns out i still fight it. i shall call this - kate's syndrome.
yeah yeah i know i sound stupid. sorry! haha.. its just that my best friend told me, hey, stop being so self defeating and you will do beter. well, i'm so accustomed to doing it i dunno how to stop. its difficult when everyone else is so much better. if i get good at something i have to constantly remind myself that there's someone out there who's prettier than me, smarter than me, more interesting than me. i've done it all my life. how do i stop now?
i guess i can always try to tell myself all the good things. somehow, i find it hard because i'm not reassured of it. like, nobody really tells me, oh ur so smart or, oh, ur so pretty. if i have to keep telling myself that, i get scared that i'll start being really obnoxious. but if ppl remind me of it, somehow i feel better.
i guess i got low self esteem. *sighz* if anyone wonders how i keep myself 'looking' so upbeat and happy all the time, i dunno either! my head's full of poisonous thoughts but i guess its God who really protects me from them. i'm glad for that but i wanna stop the thought as well. how? how. i ask myself all the time and i dunno how.