prison?

today i went to church. this guy called dr tim elmore was speaking and i realised alot of stuff today. the most impressionable things that left me nodding were how we treated our "prisons", which would be our problems. there are four ways :

one. we curse them. you know, we take the prison and we get angry at God and everyone around and you just curse it over and over.

two. we nurse them. this is a funny yet very true one. its like we take our prisons right? and we actually, not to say we embrace it, but we feed it. we go around carrying our prisons and we use it as an excuse to not do stuff. and we use it to get pity. i'm a pro at this one, no? haha..

three : we rehearse them. we go over the problenms over and over again in our heads, wishing we could have done this better, said this instead of that, gotten this instead of that. and we don't really let it go. again, yes. i am a pro at this. :P

four : the best. we use them. we use our prisons for something better, like Peter in Philippians. when he was in prison (literally), he praised God because God actually used Peter's being in prison to let others stand up and preach the gospel! how awesome is that.

so right now, i've decided to take my prisons, i.e., the portrait, ballet, etc, and i'm gonna let God use them for something else that will glorify Him. its no use pondering something in the past, its no use flipping the bird at everyone because you're angry and there's no point in using your problems to gain pity. all that makes you look and feel really really pathetic. sounds familiar? it struck real close to home for me.

i think i'll join the PA crew for the portrait. felix! is the offer still on? :P and i've decided to continue my ballet. well, at least finish this exam anyway. sigh. now i have to break in my new pointe shoes. :( haha.. its actually fun doing that but when we actually put it on.. ouch. ouch. ouch. thats all.

hahaha.. scheizer! i'm going swimming tomorrow. and i'm using the seventeen magazine summer splash thingamabob as motivation to get fit. XD haha.. yes, i believe tis good motivation! :P

i now love 30 seconds to mars. they make such awesome music.

NO ITS NOT JUST BECAUSE JARED LETO IS IN THE BAND! ><
*the fact that he's super hot makes it all the more better. hee hee hee.*

mistah bunneh, ben the "retarded reindeer" but isn't, inessa and me might be going to watch pirates this saturday. whoopee!!! i can't wait. johnny depp and orlando bloom. hotness personified. i haven't watched spiderman 3 though. my brother has been kindly enough not to give out details. topher grace - hot. also the guy who plays peter's best friend. i forgot his name. oh yes! harry osbourne. XD hm. oh yeah, i forgot to mention a couple more guys in the last post about hot guys. i forgot : clay aiken. enrique iglesias. ryan cabrera. rhys wakefield. the guy who plays isaac in heroes. also the guy who plays peter petrelli in heroes.

i feel bad for not knowing their names. :(

tata for now! :)

think.

yay!! my exams are finally over. two weeks of studying. now i can enjoy two full weeks of holiday! haha.. i haven't been blogging because the wireless is down. this is using dial up.

i've been doing so much of thinking these two weeks (other than exams) that i'm surprised my head hasn't exploded yet. first of all, the portrait. 'tis a popular subject these days within the walls of SIB KL and i am getting quite pissed actually. i'm very anger at kenny. i know that my cell leader and possibly other leaders are going to read this but i'm going to post it anyway. first of all, when we first started out the year, we had out first DnD meeting. which was like, at the beginning of the year.

kenny told us that we would ALL be involved in the portrait, all of us meaning all the DnD people. well, look at us. 5 months later and we're not doing a thing. all the people involved in the portrait aren't in DnD. and, according to marcia, kenny told her that he wanted to do a choir and that maybe the people who auditioned but didn't get in could sing. she was so excited about it. thankfully she didn't really tell anyone else because then there would be alot of confusion and disappointment. well, more than there already is anyway. kenny, i know that you said all of this with the very best of intentions, but if you're not sure, please don't give us false hope. we all wanted to be really involved in this play. especially marcia, sammy and myself. now its too late, its already almost june.

now i have to think about my ballet. its not that i don't love to dance anymore, but i don't know if i still love to dance my ballet. i really really wanna do other dances. and if i want to do other things, i will probably quit ballet because we can't quite afford me to be doing so many classes. but the thing is, i want to do performing arts, right? so i don't know if i have to finish my ballet in order to qualify to get into a performing arts school later on. i want to do stuff like jazz (which, by the way, people! kenny is teaching at my ballet centre starting june, so come join!), latin dancing and stuff like that. i love the latin stuff. its just so cool!!!!! ^^

and if i continue with ballet, i have to lose weight you know. and by losing weight, we're talking a teeny waist from now till september, which gives me less than 4 months to drop at least 5kg. like 1kg a month. omg omg i can't give up my food!!!!! si impossible. i mean, i'm not saying that dropping that weight is bad for me but 1kg a month is pretty drastic. so i will have to much deep thinking about this.

what else? there is more but i can't seem to remember it right now. well, i need to go take a shower. this heat is making me go nuts with uncomfort. ciaoz people!

*blank*

uh huh. i have exams tomorrow.

anysa and i are going to germany and we're gonna shout "scheizer!" because thats the only word we know.

my auntie is coming back from St. Louise on saturday. yay!

some people try too hard to be different just to be like everyone else.

i'm happy. today is a nice day. :)

i heart heroes!!!

i'm ushering in resonate this service replacing for my sis coz she's got sport's day.

uhm..

look! *points* a pig!

E.R. is on. byebye!

OK, i'll admit..

that i think these celebrities are super hot.

Adam Levine. he's pretty damn hot. yeah, he's skinny and all but i have a weird fixation with skinny boys. my brother will testify to that. XD
the All American Reject's frontman and guitarist. i don't know their names. I TOLD YOU I HAD STRANGE FIXATIONS! skinny boys, yah know?

Shia Labeouf. he looks hot in disturbia. the trailer, anyway. XD see? cute.
Joel Madden! Billy's cute i guess but he's too emo. way way too emo. sorry anysa! PHWOAR! celebs cam whore too. haha! i found this on Yahoo search and thought it was kinda funny.

Adam Brody (Seth Cohen, the OC). who doesn't love him?! excluding boys, obviously. unless, of course, boys, you DO like him. i forgive you. dorky kid, but CUTE.
Johnny Depp. AWESOMENESS PERSONIFIED! he's so damn cool. from Edward Scissorhand to Captain Jack Sparrow, this guy CANNOT go wrong.
okay, i can't find a good image of Ryan Gosling. but he's freaking hot. XD

others include:

Jesse Mccartney

Orlando Bloom

Pete Wentz

Patrick Stump

Rob Thomas *sexy*

Channing Tatum

Jared Leto

Ashton Kutcher (when he was a leetle bit younger)

Justin Timberlake

Jason Smith

That dude from Avril Lavigne's video "Girlfriend"

That other dude from Evanescence's video "Call Me when You're Sober"

sigh.

it appears that no one cared if i lived or died.

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held in your arms
And what do you think you'd ever say
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be
And what do you think you'd understand
I'm a boy
No, I'm a man
You can't take me and throw me away
And how can you learn what's never shown
Yeah you stand here on your own
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me and I'm not afraid
And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
How can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me
But I'm still here

They can't tell me who to be
'Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah the world is still sleepin
While I keep on dreamin for me
And their words are just whispers and lies
That I'll never believe

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can they say I'll never change
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here
I'm the one
'Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here

imprints on your brain

today i went over to sammie's house in hopes of going swimming when ivan, nikki, mel and khai came over. but no go. they were all TOO LAZY. lazy mugs. XP anyway. we ended up watching the notebook and you know what?

RYAN GOSLING IS SO HOT. SO SO HOT. OMIGOSH OMIGOSH.

incredible.

anyway. its such a sweet movie. a must watch with a boyfriend. lol. we spent the first half hour of the movie gawping and squealing and making stupid comments. nicole fell asleep so we got out the mayonaise (she HATES mayonaise) and mel squirted a leetle bit on her face and she woke up screaming,"WHAT IS THAT!!" than she tried to smear it on everybody else. it was so funny. and just for the record, I SUGGESTED WHIPPED CREAM, NOT MAYONAISE. THAT WAS MEL!

okay. we spent the rest of the time watching one tree hill, the episode where there was the shooting, like the Columbine shooting. it was such a sad episode, but there was so much truth in it. i mean, yeah we're all guilty of ignoring someone or putting someone down *intentional or not* one time or another, right? but why should some people get this kind of "bullying" more than others? its not fair. they are humans too. they shouldn't have to deal with the crap some of us dish out just because they might not be as smart, they may not be as pretty or handsome, they might not be as skinny or as tall. you know, they didn't exactly ask to be born. neither did we. but here we are anyway. shouldn't we make the most of what God has given us? shouldn't we try to make this world that we live in a better place? i'm not talking about the earth. i'm talking about our world. we all live in our own worlds, shouldn't we make it better for not only ourselves, but for everyone around us? by doing that, maybe we could actually change lives.

another thing that has got me thinking real hard. jimmy (the shooter) said that once, when he od'd on antidepressants he had to go to the hospital and all that for a while, a week or something like that. but when he came back to school it was like nothing changed. like he was never there anyway. nobody missed him. it shouldn't be that way.

if i got sick, if i suddenly disappeared, even if i (God forbid) died, would i be missed? would my absence be noticed, would things be different? more importantly, did i make enough of an impression on anybody's life for them to miss me when i'm gone? did i make anyone's life better? did i make it worse? would people be sad if i was gone or would they be happier? or would they not notice that i'm gone at all?

if i know my friends and my family well enough, i know that i have made an impression on their lives. but what if i didn't?

so you tell me. did i make an impression on your life? would you remember me when i'm gone?

"i am a question to the world. not an answer to the earth." -john rzeznik, i'm still here