cry and weep

"oh. my. gosh. koko! you missed my call! it was from kenny!"

i said his name with an uncertain fear.

"huh? what?"
"i didn't bring my phone to ballet! didn't you hear it?"
"uhm. no."
"aiyaaa! mooomm!"
"what what?"
"kenny called! probably about the auditions!"

heart thumping. holding out hope. desperation creeps in.
if nicole got a part maybe i could've gotten one too.

"call him then. nah, use my phone."
"oh my gosh oh my gosh."

phone rings.
deet deet. deet deet.

"hello?"
"kenny? hi its kate. you called? sorry i didn't pick it up, i was in ballet and i left my phone at home."
"oh! hi kate. no wonder its so late. ah, okay. its about the auditions. the results are out."
"uhhuh? and?"

holding out hope.

"and uh, sorry to say, but you didn't get a part."

too much hope.

"oh."

"yeah, i'm really sorry but thank you for making time to come for the auditions anyway..."

everything just started to fade. kenny turned into a buzzing in my ear. i said "yes" and "uhhuh" when it sounded appropriate. i wasn't listening anymore.

"thanks kenny. bye."

"bye."

"well?"

"i didn't get a part, mom."

"oh."

"yeah. good night"

a lump starts to rise in my throat. quick kate, get out the door. rising higher. just get to your room now. sara is sleeping. i touch my doorknob - and the whole world starts to swim. i didn't get the part. i didn't get any part at all.

i sit in bed and sob. what was i thinking? that i would get the part? that i would get a part? how did that get into my head? why did i think that if maybe nicole could get a part, i could have gotten one too? did i screw up that badly? i try to sleep, try to erase these but they come flooding forth along with pints of tears.

aren't i good enough for them?

aren't i good enough?

all i needed was one chance.

i got that. i screwed it up.

i just had to prove to myself i was good enough. to do this.

but i guess i wasn't.

now what? how am i going to face nicole tomorrow? samantha? marcia? they all thought i would be cool about not getting a part.

but i'm not.

and if they asked if i was okay?

well, i'm not.

what was it i did wrong?

did meegee think i was too stiff?

did may gan think i was terrible?

did kenny think i was too fat?

WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN HOW WHY.

negative crap went through my head, hitting, biting, kicking, slapping me straight in the face. i felt like i was in a barrel being thrown about at sea. kate you're not good enough. not lively enough, not happy enough, not compassionate enough, not pretty enough, not anything enough. boy, the devil sure was having a field day, huh? so i did something i hadn't done in a really really long time.

i prayed.

and i managed to sleep. of course i woke up with puffy eyes. but oh well.

congratulations, everybody who got a part. to everybody who didn't, i'm sorry too. maybe we can be unsung heroes once again. *smiles sadly*

just say the word.