phew.

alrighty folks, i figured the reason to my unforeseen angst and venting and emo-ness. as lame as an excuse this is, its pretty much one of the only ones a can come up with. here goes :

its DEFINITELY hormonal. not PMS, but.. DMS. dang.

i hate my body sometimes. it makes me do / think things that aren't good for me. but anyway. to nes : i'm sorry. i don't mean to sound insensitive and i don't mean to sound selfish.
thats not how i roll yo. XDD
but yeah. i honestly didn't. i guess i was feeling abit sorry for myself at that point in time. even i don't know why, but i guess a girl can't be happy all the time right? O: if i was, you'd probably be reaally freaked out now. XD
anyway, yeah.

yes, i know its inevitable (phwoar like that Anberlin song 8D). and i suppose i was feeling so self.. pitiable? that i didn't stop to think how you guys felt. though i'm pretty dang sure that isaac's hell happy to be leaving. XD
i dunno. it was so spur of the moment. i didn't really think, it was just a I-HAVE-TO-FREAKING-VENT and vent i did.
i knw. i don't make so smart decisions sometimes.
okay, most of the time.
NO not all the time!!
shutupgoawayclyde.

sorry about tht. clyde's a bully, HEAR THAT FATTY!

got brick'd.

anyway yes. just to clear the air, no i'm NOT mad at anyone (i never get mad for long anyway. @.@) and no i'm NOT emo anymore.
till the next time!! :P
P.S. i'm still going to be bored this week. who's gonna take me out?!

vent vent angst vent.

seriously, don't mind me in this post, i'm just being extremely emo-tised because.. well, i don't know. maybe its hormones.

anyway, here goes.
yes. so i tried to organize an outing for ins, ben, isaac and me, seeing tht ben and isaac are probably leaving for the states at the end of the year. and since nes has spm, and i thought (well, silly me) that she wouldn't be able to come out after this week (its a holiday right?), and then right after spm, she's going to hong kong to have a jolly good time at cirque du soleil, well, maybe the four of us could go out for what might just be one last time.

but no.

and right now i'm venting all this to ben, sorry ben. just.. let me vent.
anyway. yes. i mean, no. whatever. no offence whatsoever to inessa, i seriously understand the fact tht yes, you HAVE to study. i'm just upset right now. don't take any of this rubbish to heart. anyway, so ins calls and says that she's got to study and she doesn't wnt to inconvenience her parents... so on and so forth. and right then, i'm feeling REALLY bummed out because, well, you all knw how active my imagination is right, so i was thinking of all the things we could do. so i send out an sms to ben and isaac to tell them the unfortunate news.

so then isaac smses ONE word : bummer. so to this, i reply, saying maybe we could still go, but the three of us? maybe. and you knw wht he says?!?!
"your decision."
GAAAAAAAAAAH!
i seriously did NOT want to be the only one planning, the only one talking, the only one actually bothering to do something about it because I wanted this, no. i didn't want tht at all. so, me, being extremely mad, just told him to forget it.
and i guess the whole point of this post is just to vent. but..
i don't know. i've known you three for a pretty dang long time now. and when ben and isaac go, and when ins leaves for college for a whole new set of different things, i'll be left behind. you guys are three of my oldest (and older) friends.

i just feel really left behind. you guys are headed for so much bigger things than me. i guess this is the con to having older friends huh.
anyway. uhm, to those i know now who are my age and younger, its not that i don't appreciate you guys and not that i don't know that you got my back. its not that at all. its more because i've only known some of ya'll (eg. debz, mish, zi lynn, mal) since this year. and even for people like sam and nikki, whom i've known for AGES, its not the same.

we're not as weird. :P

anyway. i'm going to leave this here. i'll be back when i'm happier.

FLABBEH DEBBEH. and we. recycle!

"I'm leaving on a jet plane ; Don't know when I'll be back again ; Oh babe ; I hate to go." - Chantal Kreviazuk, Leaving On A Jet Plane.

BAHAHA! beautiful. XD
anyway. for our dearest debbie.

1. Cell leader.

2. Friend.

3. Lunatic.

Gorgeous in every aspect. i'm going to miss you so badly!! even though i was never as close to you as alot of other people, but you're definitely taught me alot.

COME BACK SOON BITCHHH -gets brick'd-

i will miss you debbie. i hope that UK (UK, UK not Europe. geez!!) will treat you well and won't keep you away from your beloved cell and boyfriend for too long. :/

i love you!!!!!! -GLOMP-

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

anyway!! here we go -->

okay!! obviously, we want you to RECYCLE!!

please just let me clear up a rather unnerving popular belief : we will NOT collect it from YOUR HOUSE, you gotta come to US! come on. its not that far. =.= plskthx.

DON'T BE LAZY ASSES!! COME! BRING YOUR JUNK!

recyclable junk, that is. i'm sorry, but we don't do trash collection. that belong to alam flora -points-

Remember Me.

"When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done." Linkin Park, Leave Out All The Rest.

ATTENTION!
despite the very emo title and song lyric, i am NOT depressed and NOT on my way to committing suicide. capeesh?
good. just clearing the air. :P

anyway! i sort of got the gyst of what it was i wanted to blog about yesterday. it had to do with death and dying. and my funeral. when i die, that is, and i don't intend to until i at least see my daughter / son married. :P

yeah. okay! for a grim topic, i'll try to make this as light as possible. ^^

IF I DIE YOUNG.

1. Kindly don't play any overly emo sob-to-the-point-of-hyperventilation songs. i'm leaving the song selection to nessa. :P pick something fun!!
2. Please don't wear dull colours to my funeral. i'll be sitting on a cloud and looking down at ya'll and feeling depressed myself. ;.; as if i don't have enough to be depressed about already!
3. This is for my Mom, though she'd probably shoot me if she reads this. XDD "WHY ARE YOU SO MORBID?!" and such, so i'll leave it to you guys to tell her. :P i want to look like those dead people in the movies. XDD LOOK, i don't care if you airbrush the make up on, you could even stick a photo (albeit one of me looking very beautiful, ahem ahem) on my face and i probably wouldn't mind. :P just make me look pretty!
4. I would very much like my coffin to be surrounded by lilies during the service. ^^
5. Cremate me. and then throw my ashes from a hilltop into the wind, if possible, plskthx. XD

IF I DIE MIDDLE AGED.

1. Ditto above. maybe a slower song would be more appropriate though. :P
2. Ditto above. maybe things should be abit more sober. hmm. okay people, no neon colours!
3. uh, okay, i really don't know about this one. XD
4. If i get married and die after, i would like the photo in front of my coffin to be the one taken on my wedding day. :P If not, then just make sure to have put a photo of me SMILING in front.
5. Ditto above, i'd like to be free. XD

IF I DIE OLD.

1. DITTO EVERYTHING. songs should probably be slower, colours should probably be more sober.. etc.
2. Photo in front should be of meee (duh) smiling in my old fragile age. XD
3. Get somebody to play an organ!! pipe, not innards.
4. If not a pipe organ, than maybe a bagpipe. XDD kilt and all!! just make sure he wears his underpants.
5. SAME THIIING.

okay! for everyone single one of these, i want nicole to make the eulogy. make it funny darling! :P and then.. nes can make a speech. definitely.
MALLINI CAN MAKE ME CINNAMON BUNS. just leave them near the coffin. >:3
i'll think of roles for the rest of you. ^^

hufaaaa.

"I'll neevr let you down ; Don't ever forget ; You and me forever ; Forever young." - The Academy Is.., Summer Hair = Forever Young

ADDICTIVE SONG! 8D like metro station.
yes. to THIS song, i sing into a hairbrush and watch myself go nuts in front of the mirror.
-blush-

anyhoo. i actually forgot what i wanted to write in this post. so i'll just leave it here coz i'm pretty lazy right now. tuition just pretty much fried my brain.
time for some brainless mindless fun on dA now. ^^
maybe more tags! 8D

D<

i vant to keel cik azlina.
keelkeel.

anyway. yeah.
tmrw is debbie woo's farewell party.
bitchhh.
why'd you have to go??????? ;.;
i don't like you.
-stalks off-

i didn't mean that. i love you, really. you've been exceptionally awesome in dealing with the antics of our very noisy, somewhat lunatic cell. :P maybe cause you're a lunatic yourself.
KIDDING KIDDING.

everyone is leaving me.

philip.
debbie.
isaac.
ben.
nes.

i should sit down and cry.
BUT I WON'T!!
i'll try.

New Loves.

"summer girls with summer hair." - The Academy Is.., Summer Hair = Forever Young


oh god. Metro Station. Shake It. it's just so.. UNBELIEVABLY CATCHY. yargh! :P

wheeeeeeeeeeee. cute t shirt. ^^ from junk food clothing. junk food ftw maaan.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! william beckett of the academy is.. he's just such a sexy pretty boy. and he's got these nice arms, when he stretches it out, you can see the some of the veins and muscle standing out... WAH! damn sexy wei. XD

ALEX EVANS SEX GOD FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just a few new loves. ^^

i'm bored. didn't go to school today. had a go with daphnie's "artistic camwhoring" thing. XDD

let's face it, i'm just so not photogenic. putting them up on facebook though, some of them are soso.

oh yes. mayuri saw me on tv.

HOW EMBARRASSING.

To Keilly.

a note : this may turn out to be an overly emo post. i apologize in advance.




I went for the wake yesterday. the first thing i saw was, well, Keilly, swollen-eyed and hiccupping from sobbing. i ran and hugged her. i never wished to see her in that way. when i hugged her, it was as if i was trying to absorb her grief, her sorrow. obviously, i could not. i don't think anyone can say "i know how you feel" except for those who truly do.
i couldn't look at keilly alot. everytime someone came to give her a hug and console her, i had to look away because she would be in a fresh waves of choking tears and i just knew that if i looked at her i would start to.

and tengku had warned me earlier when i first came -hisses- "don't cry!!"
so yes. i tried. i teared up many times, but i did my best not to show it too much.
we tried to cheer keilly up as best we could. we made small lame jokes and laughed nervously. she tried telling us about her father, but couldn't.
i don't blame her.
anyway. when you go for a funeral, the first thing you say to the aggrieved is "i'm sorry" followed by a string of words of comfort, right? i couldn't do it. i hugged keilly, i patted her back, but i couldn't say anything. the words just got stuck in my throat, blocked by that huge lump threatening to make me choke in sobs. i came home feeling very guilty.
-conscience berating- why didn't you say anything?????? -smacksmacksmack-
;.;

so i went to the funeral today. i tried calling debbie a COUNTLESS number of times (=.=) but she didn't answer so i ended up sitting in the back of the room by meself.
the whole ceremony was okay i suppose. then the eulogy started.
the woman who went up was, i guess, keilly's father's good friend. when she spoke about him, you could tell that she knew him well. she even made a joke and said "andrew would be laughing right now."
(which made me kinda wonder a pretty stupid wondering subject : why do people wear such dull colours for a funeral? more on that thought later.)
anyway. then the friends got to say their last goodbyes to him and offer their condolences to the family.
it was when the family said their last goodbyes that truly broke my heart.

when keilly huddled around the coffin (a beautiful coffin it was.), i could see her sadness just emanating from her very person. her face crumpled upon seeing her father's behind the glass and so did mine. i just.. felt for her. yes, i know that i will never, ever be able to tell her "i know how you feel".
my father too will die one day, but i will not have had to feel the sadness of losing him at this young an age. instead, keilly will be the one to come to me and pat me on the back and say "i know how you feel."

i cried.

this is for keilly.
i know how much you loved your father. it was so evident, how much he loved you too. when these thing happen, people always say things like "don't worry" and "you will heal" and "things will go back to normal". but no one will ever be able to answer your questions of how? how will things go back to normal? they won't. life will never be as you knew it again.
but know that you have people around you who care for you and who love you. i hope that this will not make you change too much.
your father loves you for the person you are when he was breathing. even if he is not here for you in body, he will always live in you, and you will know it. we will always be here to support you, whenever you need it, and even when you don't want it. (yes, yes, we will be firm, supportive and close to you - just like your bra! XD)

we love you keilly, and i hope that you will find hope again.
love, kate.
P.S. yes yes, you own me. :P