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    Wednesday, July 11, 2007

    seeing white

    i feel like i've been gone a really long time. as if anything i do nowadays doesn't really have a meaning to it. its just random, everyday stuff that keeps coming towards me and i have no other choice than to look it in the eye and face it. i don't know why. its a really weird feeling.

    sometimes its as if i'm someone else watching this girl with my name, my face, my life living it out and sometimes i wanna shout to her and tell her what to do then i wake up and i say hey, thats me. i'm living this life. is this really what i want to be doing about it?

    and i wake up everyday and say to myself, why am i going to a school that i don't like to be in, that i don't enjoy? i don't actually have any friends there other than anysa and i can't constantly depend on her for the rest of my schooling life because she's going to another school next year. i wanna be able to wake up everyday and say, hey! i wanna go to school. i want to see my friend(S). i want those kind of thoughts so bad but somehow they don't come.

    family life is good. the exception there is is my brother. i love him and all but at times it just feels like he hates me or something. like he wishes i wasn't there, like he wants me to just get lost, you know? and when it comes to MY friends, its like he hates me for just being friends with them. can i help it if i love you guys? i don't say much about his friends. in fact, i LIKE his friends. and some of his friends are mine too. i mean, i understand that, yeah, i'm his little sister and all, but i am human too. and we share the same house, parents, littlest sister, blood and flesh. i wish he'd appreciate me more, the way i do. its hard.

    i feel lost in motion. like things are moving so slowly but way too quickly all at the same time and i have no power over it.

    its difficult right now. but i'm counting on You to help me back up on my feet. sometimes i have doubts - yes i do - but i will always have my faith.

    the devil won't be able to steal my hope, kill my joy and destroy my faith.
    i won't let him.

    3 comments:

    Sarahkins! said...

    ahhh. its no point staying there then kate. i was really unhappy in my old school. i had a lot of friends, sure, but the teachers discriminated me.

    now i'm in the best school ever, more friends than before, teachers are my friends too and no crazy geography teacher will have the same shoes. ;P

    if you are really that unhappy, talk to your mom. and as for ur bro? i can't say anything given i dont have a bro. :D

    Charissa said...

    if you REALLY hate your school n all then, it could b a good idea to leave. but of course do think, "wat will i(you) get from doing this","is it worth it", "will this affect my life in any way as in ALL aspects". if YES, U WANNA LEAVE, go for it. just make sure ur mom, does agree to u n tht u're ready to fit into ur new schhol. ur perception of a co-ed/ another girls' school may b totally different from the truth.though i duggest u change school AFTER pmr.
    perhaps ur brother is going through a transition right now. u know, he's stuck between being a teen n a man. takes up a lot of emotional strength tht might affect one's personal life w others. of course, talk w him n THE ABOVE WAS PURELY MY THEORY. DONT RELY ONIT.
    in the meantime, brace urself, girl. this may get bumpy.

    katiebaby* said...

    charissa? as in charissa yaw?

    YOU READ MY BLOG????